Let me preface this long read with saying I made the decision to get off of Instagram back in January, and it’s actually a decision I’ve battled for over a year.
My plan is to delete Instagram from my phone on Sunday, April 5th, and to check back in on October 1st after 6 months away. If I’m still battling what you will read below, then I will continue with another 6 month break until April 5th, 2021. I pray I won’t need any longer .
For the last nearly 4 months I’ve been taking notes in my phone to ensure that when the time came to write this all out I knew exactly how to reflect on what’s been on my heart all along.
So I copied and pasted all of my “notes” into a word document to write this – and it’s 9 pages, single spaced.
HA! Guess you could say there’s been a lot on my mind.
So…here goes nothing.
In January, somebody shared a screenshot with me that said I was only sharing the cyber bully messages I’d been receiving, and how I was choosing to respond in love and kindness, to get a pat on my back and that it was done in vain.
When I read those words, my immediate response was “HOW DARE THEM!”
Cause here’s the thing about Amy…
I take what people say about me to heart.
I am sensitive.
I am emotional.
I care a lot about what others think about me.
And that’s okay. (I’m sure some of you reading are like that too)
We are all wired differently.
When I ask people, “So… what do you do when you hear negative things about yourself?”
I often get responses like “Who cares what others think! Just be yourself and that’s all that matters. There’s always gonna be bullies out there.”
And I do agree with all of those things.
But here’s what I can’t shake.
I think I will always care.
I will never be able to brush off someone’s feelings about me.
And for so long I tried to make myself change. To be thicker skinned. To care less. To be tougher.
And that’s just not me.
I find myself constantly asking, what could I have done differently? Did I approach that well? What do they think about me now? Etc etc etc.
So…when I receive messages that hurt, I want to make things right. I have always been a conflict resolution seeker. I mean heck, I was a peer mediator in 7th grade. It’s my nature to want to fix things and make things right.
But when I dig deeper, I know that the good Lord wired me to LOVE people hard.
To be passionate about people.
To care for them and love them through the pain.
So when I read that screenshot, I was really taken back.
And honestly, that’s what reignited this whole soul seeking journey that I started on last year.
I’ve realized…
I am not in the right headspace to be on Instagram.
My mental state is not able to take on more sleepless nights of “what does “x,y, or z” think about me.
I am insecure about so many aspects of my life right now, and I desperately need to get back to the basics, ground myself, and figure out what in the world is going on in Amy’s mind.
I’ve never wanted to come onto Instagram to feel less than.
And that’s where I am right now.
I’m insecure about how much I have in our home and how much I want to get rid of it.
But I find myself in a vicious cycle of wanting more, spending more, wanting less, spending less, purging, filling up, minimizing and it continues over and over and over.
I’m insecure about my body and feel ashamed for wanting it be fit, strong, and healthy like it was in my figure competition training days before I had kids.
But I find myself in a vicious cycle of wanting to be content with where I am and not wanting to share that journey.
I am insecure about how unhealthy my heart is and don’t want to die young.
But I find myself in a vicious cycle of unhealthy habits and every time I get on a good track, I slip back off.
I’m insecure about not fitting into certain groups online. I want to fit in, be noticed, be heard, be seen. I don’t want to be left out, and I hate that I feel that way. It’s like I’m begging for the “mean girl cliques” to let me in.
And I PREACH to not feel this way, so I go through a vicious cycle of wanting to do less about it and do more about it constantly.
I am insecure about other companies’ successes and if we’ll ever get there. Sad for constantly seeing screenshots sent to me from others about “did you see what x copied of yours?” And then I wonder how many screenshots of our business have been screenshot and sent to others who’ve inspired me.
So I find myself in a vicious cycle of wanting to scream THERE’S ROOM AT THE TABLE FOR ALL OF US, and to remind all (including myself) to seek authenticity always.
I am insecure about what friends say about me. The ones who know me in real life. Do they speak to others about me? Do they actually care about me? Why do I feel like I have no friends somedays?
And I find myself in a vicious cycle of feeling like my cup overflows with friendships and then also feeling like I’m running on E.
I’m insecure about the division across our world. Republicans vs. democrats. People of Color vs. Whites. Stay at Home Moms vs. Working Moms. Breastfeeding Moms vs. Bottle Feeding Moms. Gays vs Straights. Christians vs. Non Christians. Vegans vs. Meat Eaters. Vaccinators vs. Non. etc. etc. etc. And all I want to do is say “grab each others’ hands and let’s walk across this bridge together!!! We can do this!!!” I feel such a calling and conviction to be a bridge builder.
But I feel this vicious cycle of telling myself to shut up because it’s not my place to build bridges in our world. I often tell myself I will not be heard, and when I am I will be mocked.
I am insecure about what bullies say about me that I don’t even get a chance to read.
There’s a lot of really nasty things out on the webs, some of which I’ve seen, and it makes me wonder how much is out there I haven’t seen.
So I find myself in this vicious cycle of wanting to dig up all of the dirt, and wanting to live in a box closed off from the world to give nobody anything to talk about.
I’m insecure about the thousands upon thousands of Direct Messages I’ve received that have gone unread. Not because I don’t care, but because I just don’t have the ability to live on my phone and answer them.
So I question constantly how much this bothers others, and find myself in a vicious cycle of who cares and to answer them all!
I am insecure about motherhood. I pour so much into this community to bring ideas and inspiration to others’ lives, but am I using all of that energy in the wrong way? Should I refocus my space to ensure that energy is going into my own kids’ lives instead?
I am in a vicious cycle of wanting to give give give and wanting to break break break.
I am insecure about my future. I really do miss the Army life so much. I miss feeling important. I miss being able to say “YES! I FLY HELICOPTERS FOR THE ARMY!” I miss feeling like I have more of a purpose than wiping butts.
But I know this is the season I’m in, and it’s for a reason. So I find myself in a vicious cycle of wanting to get back to the workforce and staying at home.
I am insecure about the time I spend on social channels. Constantly posting, constantly checking for updates, constantly searching for more content. But I know that’s how businesses grow.
So I’m in a vicious cycle of wanting to reduce time online and give it back to my family, while also growing my brand.
I am insecure about my marriage. It has not been a great couple years for us. He and I both know that. The jealousy I feel towards other marriages is greater than it’s ever been. But we also acknowledge that there have been SO many changes these last few years, and it’s prayerfully just the season of marriage we’re in.
I find myself in a vicious cycle of wanting to share those details with you to help others in the same boat, but also wanting to keep our marriage sacred and private.
And there’s that.
I am insecure about how much of my personal life I should really be sharing.
I see so many others “private” accounts and hear others not wanting to share their kids’ faces, private matters, diagnosis’ etc. Am I doing this all wrong? I’ve built my brand around transparency and being an open book and sharing ALL THE RAW dirty details of my life to inspire others and make them feel less alone.
So I find myself in a vicious cycle of wanting to close the doors on my life and just share crafts and still wanting to empower young women.
But you wanna know what I’m most insecure about?
And the one that stings more than ANYTHING you read above?
I am insecure about my faith.
I am so heartbroken that I even have to write those words.
And I live this vicious cycle of wanting to be the Godly example that I KNOW I need to be, and also wanting to be cool.
AS THOUGH BEING A GODLY WOMAN ISN’T COOL?!!??!
I hate that. H A T E it.
The craziest trend is that nearly all of these insecurities somehow relate back to this app.
Whoa. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
Is this normal? Is this all just the normal cycle of life?
Where we live, reflect, evaluate, adjust, then relive, reflect, reevaluate, and readjust?
Or is there actually something wrong with me?
When I step back and reflect, here’s what I question:
Am I taking the things of this world too seriously, rather than just putting my value in God?
If I make it right with him, won’t everything else fall into place?
And that’s the kind of stuff I’m going to try and figure out.
That alone is why I’m getting off of Instagram.
It’s become a popularity contest for me.
And my biggest fear is that’s what it’s becoming for thousands of other female entrepreneurs and influencers out there.
A battle to be bigger, better, louder, prettier, fitter, shinier, richer, cooler than the woman sitting to the left or right of you.
A cry for attention.
A plea for recognition.
A scream for acknowledgement.
I see it in the giveaways we join to get others to follow us.
I see it in the “follow me so I can follow you” threads.
I see it in the rat race for more followers and more likes.
And I’ll say it: it’s not that it’s wrong, because I do know that the larger our pages and businesses grow, the more ability we have to bring in an income for our families.
Hence the vicious cycle I find myself in of doing those things and then not.
But here’s what is wrong:
I am putting my value in other people and not my God.
That is my personal struggle; it needs to change.
And here’s where this story comes full circle:
Maybe deep down that bully was right?
Maybe deep down I did want recognition and acknowledgment for spreading love and kindness and giving grace in a situation that didn’t call for grace.
Sure yes, I’d love a pat on my back, because I am proud of myself for how I responded.
Sure yes, I’d love the affirmation that I handled that well. I am a words of affirmation gal, so that fills my cup.
And honestly, for so long I’ve lived a life lacking confidence.
So yes, I will say I am proud of myself for turning away my worldly responses and responding in love.
Why does anybody share an accomplishment? We don’t share them to be told how horrible we did; it’s just the opposite.
But isn’t knowing deep down that I did the right thing enough?
Do I really need to share those things out loud?
Honestly? I don’t know the answer.
What I do know is that if I’m doing it to fulfill my purpose on this planet, to lead others to the cross and show a grace, love, and kindness that only God can provide, then yes. I’m doing it for the right reasons.
That is what I’m taking this time to figure out.
How do I regain security and confidence in my faith?
And how do I make my life right with God again, so that I know all things done for my Instagram, my blog, my business, my marriage, my future, my finances, my motherhood, my friendships, my fitness, my health etc., are done for Him.
I firmly believe Instagram has become a chase for popularity and a chase for likes.
It’s unhealthy for myself. It’s unhealthy for my kids. It’s unhealthy for my marriage.
And I am choosing to put an end to this addiction.
I am taking at least 6 months, and potentially up to a year or more, off of Instagram, and I am going to see if this helps with my journey towards healing.
Part of me feels like a failure for letting this happen.
For letting the pressures of social media and jealousy take over my heart.
But… I am not embarrassed by this, and quite frankly I think it’s just the nature of our online world.
But I feel very convicted and heartbroken for so many influencers who are constantly chasing something bigger and something better, when that bigger and better is right within the walls of our house.
I heard God profoundly speak to me:
“Make this more about me, less about you.
Your word this year was Balance.
Find your balance, and now rest.”
And how freeing it was to remember, our God doesn’t care about the numbers!!!
The only numbers he cares about are how many of us come to Him.
Hallelujah: that needs to be my mission.
I’ve always had some inkling of a desire to be the popular girl. The girl that was in all the weddings, that wore all the bridesmaid’s dresses, that played all the sports, that had all the friends, that dated the popular guy, that had all the money, that wore the best clothes, and I think it’s because I was never that girl.
So with this growing community, it’s in some way filled a void in my heart, and it’s made me feel “enough.”
Spoiler alert Amy: you were always enough.
I have bought stuff just to show it on Instagram. I’ve taken pictures just to make it seem like everything‘s OK in my world. Everywhere I go, I’m looking for content. I’m constantly thinking about what to post next on my Instagram feed, and I’ve heard Blake say more times than I can count, “you’re only taking that picture for Instagram.” And I’m tired of it. I want to win my life back, and I want to reclaim it.
Because that’s all so heartbreaking.
I want my girls to know that popularity is not what matters. Numbers and fame are not what matters.
I was becoming so infatuated with growth of my Instagram, growth of my community, and serving this community, that I’ve become less in tune with growth in my faith and serving my family and my God.
I am sad for myself, because this space was once so beautiful to me and so empowering, yet it’s become tainted with bitterness, jealousy, and comparison.
But I am hopeful.
I am hopeful that this will be good for myself, for my family, and for my faith, and that right now is all that matters.
And I pray that on the other end of this, whether it’s in October 2020 or April 2021, that I can share some lessons with you too.
Because ultimately, I want to be the best version of myself to be able to “influence” you.
I’ve said it before…I’m not turned away by the term influencer anymore.
If I know I’m influencing you for the right reasons, then it’s not a bad thing.
I wholeheartedly value the purpose of influencing, so I need to take a step back and reflect on what I want to be known for as an influencer. Do I want to be known as the girl who always shares the cutest dinosaur clothes and the prettiest pink Anthropologie bowls? Or do I want to be remembered as the girl that took six months (+) away from Instagram to focus on her family and came back stronger in her Faith? That practiced what she preached.
Well, maybe a little of both ;) but ultimately, I choose the latter.
I’ll end with this.
It is pretty ironic that I made the choice to do this now. During this time of quarantine.
I didn’t know this was going to happen, and parts of me questioned whether this was the right call, given that this is a SAHM influencer’s dream to be able to share this much content with you while you’re all staying at home too!
But in the last few months, when I have taken weeklong breaks here and there, I’ve noticed so much more about my kids.
I notice that they’re getting taller.
I notice their vocabulary growing.
I notice their voice changing.
And I have longer, deeper conversations with my husband.
So many things I didn’t realize cause my head was down constantly in my phone and I was always on the go.
In the last few months when I have taken weeklong breaks here and there, I’ve reconnected with people in my “real life” community too.
I’ve had girls’ nights. Had longer conversations with family and friends on the phone. Had coffee dates. Not skipped church as much. Etc.
And I want to use this time to put more energy into my “real life” community too, so they know just how important they are to me.
Now it’s time for me to slow down, and breathe.
And hey…if you’re reading this, and feeling very convicted too, figure out what you’re insecure about, figure out where those insecurities are stemming from, live, reflect, evaluate, and adjust.
Here’s my fear:
My biggest fear in all of this is not that I’m going to lose out on a lot of y’alls happenings this year or that I’m going to lose followers or lose the momentum of our growing business…
I trust the people who care about me, our family, and our business, will be here no matter when I return.
My fear is that many of you feel the same way and you won’t do anything about it.
Instead, you will continue feeling that jealousy, that competition, that bitterness, that hatred and you won’t take the actions towards making yourself free.
Instead of looking at this break from a place of “I am going to miss out on so much in the next 6 months to a year, I am choosing to look at it from a place of “I am going to gain so much joy from this.”
…see ya in October friends.
Some random notes:
Here’s the message I sent to five close friends earlier this year. They’ve all been prayer warriors for me over the years and I needed to hear their thoughts and get their accountability.
“Hi sweet friend.
I need prayer.
I’m feeling very convicted, heavy and sad.
I’m hearing it very loud and clear that I need to take a very long break from Instagram.
I’m embarrassed to say it’s become an addiction, a popularity contest, and so much about business that I’ve lost the joy in the app.
I cringe when anyone asks me “how do you grow your following?” simply because I’m tired of the app being about growing growing growing and not just about connection and community.
As a financially driven person, I’m strangely tired of making money too.
That’s why I know this is a God thing.
I felt and heard the Lord speak to me to take a year long break from Instagram after my current promotion and collaboration type stuff is complete.
But after much prayer and talking to Blake, we feel confident in that timeframe being 6 months to start, and then a reflection / evaluation of my heart at that point and deciding then whether to continue on for a year.
I trust you as a mentor, friend, Sister in Christ and also a business woman.
Because this would be a huge hit financially.
It would mean I would also be taking a break from my business for the same amount of time to ensure I was truly, completely away from the IG world.
I’m finding myself jealous of other businesses, bitter at “copy cat” ones and just overall down from the app.
and I’m choosing to reclaim it and my life, Lord willing.
I know this is all so very random, but I just want your feedback, as a confidant I trust and whose words I hold high, as well as prayer for my heart in this time.
My plan right now is to sign off for 6 months around April 1st.
I love you doll, so much.
and miss you. ❤️
Why so long? Why not just a week off or a month off here and there?
I think a lot of people say “I need a break from Instagram” and then they take maybe a day or a week off of Instagram, and then all of the underlying issues are still there.
My plan is to completely delete the app off of my phone and deactivate my account temporarily so there is literally no ability to get on, check anything, post anything, or do anything.
To completely separate myself from this space.
Will you do anything in the meantime?
I do think I will continue to blog. I was telling my girlfriend Nancy that I need some sort of creative outlet for my own sanity and self care. As a creative, I would feel empty if I didn’t have that outlet. Plus, it’ll be a great way for me to journal through this process of healing.
Won’t this be detrimental for your brand and business to take off that much time after growing all you have the last few years?
Short answer, yes. It’s probably not the kinda stuff that entrepreneurship podcasts, books, and blogs preach to do.
This will be a huge hit on all aspects of my personal brand and business. Detrimental, sure.
But I beg to ask, “What about my heart? What about my life? This will not be detrimental for that.” So yes, it’s worth it.
Honestly, I don’t know what this means for the future of the Ever Co or my personal brand, but I can tell you that I will be a better person and business owner regardless of what it looks like on the other side of this year. Part of me thinks I will miss this so much and have a creative void that needs to be filled. Hence why I will continue blogging.
But really, the other side of me feels like I’m going to be freed completely, rejuvenated, rested, BALANCED and not miss this at all.
Only time will tell.
What should I do within my own space?
Here’s some of my greatest advice I think I will ever give on this platform:
YOU CHOOSE WHO FILLS UP YOUR CUP. YOU do that.
Nobody else hits that blue “follow” button except you.
If you are not inspired or uplifted by somebody, and if they ever make you feel less than, then you have the beauty of being able to unfollow them!
Use that powerful tool, and don’t get sucked into the trap of wanting to be bigger and better because “x” is bigger and better.
