And finally, to end our month of May, I wanted to share a few images this month that really made me stop, reflect, and breathe. I obviously haven’t been on social media, so I don’t know the extent of what’s been said, not said, acted on, not acted on, etc. I also haven’t been watching the news much, simply because it’s been a VERY busy few weeks for us with moving to a new home.
But I do know that this country is in pain.
I know that my Black brothers and sisters are hurting.
I know our Nation is hurting.
I know our communities are confused, scared, anxious, fearful, and quite frankly losing hope.
Here’s my promise to you for my personal community on Instagram, my blog here, as well as with our business for The Ever Co:
I will never, ever, ever stand for racism or division in this community. Neither will my family.
We will do our part to spread the good Lord’s message, and we will also do our part to end the hatred. We will continuously look for ways to donate to minority group organizations within our community and beyond.
Because I know we are privileged to be where we are, and to come as far as we have. We will always seek to amplify voices within the Black community and beyond.
We have preached since day one of this company that inclusion is incredibly important to us, and representing People of Color (POC) will always be a mission of ours, because we want to include everyone in this community.
It’s not for our brand. It’s not to check the box once a month.
It’s because we believe EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU BELONGS HERE.
But sometimes, just reaching for inclusion isn’t enough. No, IT’S NOT ENOUGH.
Sometimes quoting MLK on significant days isn’t enough. No, IT’S NOT ENOUGH.
So right now, I specifically want to speak to my Black brothers and sisters. My Black People of Color. (BPOC)
YOU MATTER!!!!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!??!?! YOU MATTER TO ME. TO OUR FAMILY. TO THE EVER CO.
BLACK LIVES DO AND WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER MATTER. PERIOD.
I will scream it until the day I die.
This is not a political statement. This is not a religious statement. This is not a social media trend. This is not a statement about an organization.
THESE ARE PEOPLE’S LIVES WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. What more needs to be said?!?
Racism is a system, not a trend.
Systemic racism is brutal and real, and oppression is alive. WE DO NOT STAND FOR THIS.
I wish BLM weren’t considered a trend or fad, because that makes it seem like a temporary thing. Rather, this “movement” should be our every day lives. FOREVER. That is how we end racism.
And I pray that when these “hot topics” sizzle out, that this desire and passion for inclusion and the desire to end racism continues for all, long after our favorite influencers are posting about it.
IT STARTS IN OUR HEARTS, IN OUR HOMES.
And to any of my friends, family, or followers that don’t understand the BLM phrase or are confused by that phrase, let me give you a scenario that spoke profoundly to me this month.
Hadley has been throwing tantrums nonstop lately. She’s 3.5. It’s going to happen, I know.
She is still learning how to best speak her words without being punished and how to act without getting into trouble. But when she doesn’t get acknowledged, when she doesn’t get the response she’s hoping for, when she isn’t heard, SHE SNAPS. She acts out because she wants to be treated a certain way. She wants to be heard. As do most toddlers. As do all humans.
Right before I took the picture of she and I below, the one where I wore the HOPE shirt, we had a long talk about her crying and I was telling her that she can’t go to the big girls’ school if she acts like that, and she looked me straight in the eyes and said,
“BUT MOMMY, YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!”
Woah. Gut check.
She was right. I wasn’t listening to what she wanted, and why she was throwing a tantrum. I was specifically focused on the tantrum itself. How I didn’t want to hear the whining, bickering, crying anymore.
Since then, I’ve been trying to focus on the “why” of her tantrums. And ya know what? IT’S WORKED!!!
And I relate that situation to our current state of affairs.
BLACK PEOPLE WANT TO BE HEARD!!!! They want to SEE and FEEL action. They want to be a part of progress.
It is NOT ON THEM to teach us how to change. To teach us what to do. To teach us how to take action.
WE MUST TEACH OURSELVES.
And they’re “snapping” now, because they’re sick and tired of NOT being heard. There are thousands of peaceful protests happening, yet the media portrays the dark and ugly side of things. The side that makes so many throw their hands up in disbelief when they see Targets, and local mom and pops, and barber shops on fire. But think about little Hadley in her tantrum. The more I don’t listen, the more painful it gets.
OUR BLACK BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE IN PAIN. AND THEY HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.
I am not for non peaceful protests or destruction of property, but unfortunately I get it. And I can say that if I were in their shoes, maybe I’d be the same.
The point is, I’m not in their shoes.
I am (seemingly) white.
I am privileged.
Ironically, I have actually never identified as white or caucasian. I’ve always considered myself Other or even Asian in some instances. But I look white, talk white, dress white, and sound white, and if it barks like a dog and walks like a dog, then it’s probably a dog.
When I go to Target with the girls to pick out barbie or baby dolls and pajamas, I don’t have to look far. The ones that look like them are all right there in front of me.
When I say bye to my husband when he goes to work, I don’t have to remind him to be safe to and from, in the sense that something bad’s going to happen to him because of his skin color.
When I go to Disney with the girls, I don’t have to search all over for the one Black princess in the park. The ones that look like us are all over. I don’t have to look far.
When I go to the store by myself in oversized clothes and jackets and a big purse, I’m not followed around and watched like a hawk. EVEN THOUGH I was arrested in my teens for shoplifting…nobody would ever know or care because I don’t fit the part.
This is all white privilege. And WHO ARE WE to say that Blacks don’t experience these things if we are not Black. If our Black brothers and sisters say they feel this way, THEN WE HAVE TO LISTEN AND TRUST THEY FEEL THIS WAY. And really? I mean who wouldn’t?
This is a system. Racism is a system. and when a system is broken… we fix it.
Have we come a long way? Yes sure. But good golly we have soooo far to go.
We have not been doing our part to listen. We collectively have so much work to be done. It’s not their job to teach us, guide us, lead us.
We have all of the tools needed right at our fingertips.
WE MUST TAKE A STAND FOR THEM. WE MUST DO THE HARD WORK AND EDUCATE OURSELVES.
So here I am friends.
I, and The Ever Co, are here with open arms welcoming you into our lives, our hearts, our homes, our community, our conversations, our church, etc. and we want to help.
We want to do our part to make you feel heard and understood.
We promise to not use Black children in our feeds JUST to check the box or just because it’s the thing to do in 2020. That is performative and we won’t stand for it.
It is not okay to just post quotes in stories and take no action beyond that. It’s performative.
It’s not okay to pull out black baby dolls and books just in the month of February. It’s performative.
If we are going to lessen white privilege and racism, these need to be year round actions.
I realize I am not black. I realize I do not understand the depths of pain you have been through since you stepped onto American soil. I, and my children, will never experience the overt racism that my Black brothers and sisters experience.
But that doesn’t mean I can look away. That doesn’t mean I can see horrifying graphics and videos and say “oh that’s so sad” and do nothing beyond that.
As the daughter to a full Asian woman (100% Korean) I do understand the depths of racism and how painful it is. She can’t relate to much in America with the lack of Asian representation, so I know she feels it to her core.
I also know that I was raised by a father who was born in 1940. Who lived during some of the most racist times of our history. And I PERSONALLY had to help him overcome weaknesses of his own throughout my childhood, because he was biased based on when and where he was raised. Not because he hated POC. He was the sweetest, kindest soul. But he was raised in a different time, and he just needed to UNLEARN so many things.
AND PEOPLE, THAT IS OKAY!!!!!! We can unlearn things, just as well as we can learn them.
One of my favorite moments when I think about memories of him was around 2015. He called me to tell me he met a black man at the local Waffle House that was now his best friend. My dad was about 77 at that time. I will never forget that conversation. 77 AND STILL LEARNING, PEOPLE!!!
And there’s the proof. It’s okay to mess up, misstep, and fall.
Just get back up and try and try and try again. Even at 77 years old.
I am so passionate about this for many reasons.
One because I do not stand for injustice and hatred.
But mostly because I have so many CLOSE friends hurting right now. I can’t see them cry anymore.
I’ve dated black guys. Most of my best girlfriends growing up were black as well, and some still to this day. I’m grateful for being from Radcliff, Kentucky cause the diversity was EPIC. Being raised on/around a military base, I was so fortunate to have been exposed to so many races/ethnicities from an early age. It was truly a cultural melting pot. And to this day, Blake and I serve with countless Soldiers of color who fight to defend our country.
My dad always knew how important it was for me to know he accepted all of my friends, boyfriends, etc, and that was why even at 77 he called to tell me that.
WE CAN DO BETTER PEOPLE. He’s proof.
So let me go back to the story about Hadley.
While this shouldn’t be about our family, I hope this simple story can help put things into more perspective for anyone not understanding the pain of others or the statement Black Lives Matter.
This moment in our history isn’t about us hurting. It’s about them hurting.
When she yelled that “BUT MOMMY, YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!” I immediately started holding her and comforting her and showing her so much affection.
Everly watched me do this and I could tell she was getting jealous of how much attention Hadley was getting.
I explained to Everly that “Yes, I do love you too, but this moment in time is not about you. This moment is about Hadley and how much she’s hurting. It’s about acknowledging her and seeing WHY she’s throwing tantrums. And trying to help her and make things better.”
That does NOT take away from my love for Everly. That does NOT mean I love Hadley more than Everly.
It simply means I am focusing on my child who is hurting right now.
And honestly? I think that’s what Jesus wants. I KNOW that’s what Jesus wants.
He wants us to help His hurt children.
Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
WE MUST COMFORT THEM NOW MORE THAN EVER.
He COMMANDS us to love thy neighbor.
So let’s take it to the altar.
Hadley wasn’t saying “I matter more.” She was saying “I matter. Period.” Isn’t it ironic?
Our black friends are not shouting “BLACK LIVES MATTER, MORE.” They’re shouting,
“BLACK LIVES MATTER. PERIOD!”
What if when Hadley was crying, and Everly got jealous, I looked at Everly and said, BUT HADLEY MATTERS MORE TO ME! No…that’s not what I said. I told Everly I am focusing on Hadley right now because she is hurting. She is in pain. She needs me more right now.
And so…here’s my point to all of this:
Do all lives matter? Yes, of course, absolutely. Every life matters because Jesus died for every life.
Every police officer matters. Every Soldier matters. Every doctor matters. Every homeless man/woman matters. Every teacher matters. Every firefighter matters. Every white, asian, latin, Indian, middle eastern etc etc etc life matters.
Our Black Brothers and Sisters have NEVER once said they matter more than any of those listed above.
As I’ve heard many say, “their house is on fire, and they just want us to help them put out the fire!” They want to be heard.
SO LET’S HEAR THEM OUT! LET’S GIVE THEM THE PLATFORM TO SPEAK. Let’s do our part, white friends, to amplify their voices and give them the floor.
It’s our time to change history. It’s our time to step up and collectively acknowledge their pain and to say BLACK LIVES MATTER.
And ya know what? When something happens to one of us, I guarantee you they’ll have our backs too.
BUT we HAVE to prove to them we have theirs first. Let’s do this.
Let’s be the change.
My struggles:
I’ll be honest, I’m not really proofreading this and just kinda rambling and typing my words as they come to me. For so long I’ve tried to audit my writing to make sure I didn’t strike a nerve or cause controversy.
But not anymore. Now, I will write from my heart, and hope and pray that it speaks to maybe even just one of you reading. That’s where change takes place. When raw, real, transparent, and vulnerable conversations happen.
And while I’m being honest, let me tell you my greatest personal struggle that I’ve had to overcome with the phrase “Black Lives Matter”, because maybe it’s something you’ve struggled with too. I’ve spoken to many of my black friends about it, and I just want to share the conversation notes. Maybe it’ll change your outlook.
Often when I used to hear Black Lives Matter, my immediate thought was that it was synonymous to “Anti Police” which don’t get me wrong - I am STRONGLY against police brutality, but I am not against the good police. And my greatest struggle was that I have so many friends that are police officers, and so many friends’ parents or spouses are LEOs, and friends and family who have lost their lives in the line of duty, and it just breaks my heart because of how this is affecting the entire police community. I’ve listened to so many police officers beg to not be labeled as “bad” and phew it breaks me to my core, because so many would die for us; they are protectors for our streets, our children, our communities, our homes, our country. I’m nearly brought to tears every time I see a police officer on the streets now doing good things, because I just have so much passion for them and our military service members.
BUT…It took a lot of soul searching, and a lot of research and listening to black people speak to realize that they are not synonymous. Wanting to lift the voices of Black people and to listen to them doesn’t mean we hate police officers. At all. We can LOVE AND LIFT UP BLACK VOICES while also LOVE AND LIFT UP LEO’S TOO. Because you love one doesn’t mean you hate the other and vice versa.
So if you too struggle with those two ideas, then know you aren’t alone, and most importantly ASK QUESTIONS and have honest, open dialogue with friends, coworkers, and your community so that you can walk a mile in other shoes and try to understand their battles too.
Additionally, as the wife to an Active Duty Army Officer and as a current Army Reservist (who could very well go back to active duty), I refuse to share my personal political beliefs on my social media platforms. I choose not to provide my political stance in these spaces, in order to honor the sacrifice my family (and thousands of other families) make to serve our country regardless of who is in office. Military law also doesn’t allow participation in partisan activities such as soliciting or engaging in partisan fundraiser activities, serving as the sponsor of a partisan club, or speaking before a partisan gathering. With that, I consider my social media platforms a place that I’m unable to express my political beliefs based on my families current military status. My husband is in charge of hundreds of Soldiers at a time, and he could very well go to war with them. He will serve and protect the brother to his left just as well as he’ll serve, protect, and lead the Soldier to his right, because in the military that’s a matter of life and death. So I choose not to jeopardize his position in leadership in the military to honor and respect him and his Soldiers.
I wish we collectively could stop making “Black lives matter” a political statement and more of a statement about LIVES DYING. Then maybe it wouldn’t be as controversial. What is really so hard about saying “Black lives matter?” I mean truly? It boggles my mind.
So I urge you not to write someone off that says “Black Lives Matter” because you feel it’s a political statement or a statement about an organization. Instead, how about we look at our Black brothers and sisters in their faces, and start the dialogue now. Ask them what we can do to help them. Ask them what we can do in our homes to end racism. And take action.
I have used my platform since day one as a “to each their own” and “everyone is welcome” place. And, I do still mean that. But I know many of my followers and friends don’t feel the same way.
I think the Lord created us all differently, and there needs to be some of us who are the more confrontational “go get them and run up the hill” kinda people, and then there’s those of us who need to continue fighting for peace and moderation and unity.
I CHOOSE TO BE A BRIDGE BUILDER. I choose to fill the gap. I choose to be a peacekeeper.
I am not a fan of cancel culture. I don’t agree with it. Because I know what that can do to someone’s mental state when they are canceled. I know the depths of mental illness and depression, so I choose to give second chances. I always will. Just as Jesus does.
Wanna know why? Because if I was canceled when I made some bad mistakes in the past, I’d probably be dead. I would’ve taken my own life if nobody grabbed my hand and held onto me.
So I will be that person for you. If you have felt a certain way on this all of your life, if you’ve had racist thoughts before, if you’ve said bad things before, I know some will never forgive you. And believe me, it hurts me too that you felt this way. I am ANGRY that you have felt that way. But let me do the dirty work for you. The hard work. Let me help you so that I can try and help you change. I will lay my life down for you to change, because I want to see more black lives live.
I will not give up on you, and I will help you rise. Because I know it’s possible. I’ve seen it.
I will always strive to love like Jesus. I will pray for you, and I will help you rise out of the ashes of your past.
I choose to see the good in people, and I choose to be an eternal optimist. I physically cannot give up on humanity. The Lord didn’t wire my heart that way.
But Black friends who are hurting, I know many of you can’t extend that hand. And quite frankly I don’t blame you. You don’t need to. Let me do the hard work for you. Let my white friends do the hard work for you.
I may be soft spoken and kind in my approach, and I realize the world needs realist (my husband) and those who will loudly and boldly shine light on negativity so that change can happen.
I’m a big advocate for both of these kinds of people. And I try hard to find a middle ground.
I won’t fail you. My family won’t fail you.
I refuse to live in a divided world, for the sake of my kids, and my kids’ kids. And so forth.
I will never stop fighting for a world that locks hands and loves one another, through the good and the bad.
I WILL NEVER STOP FIGHTING FOR EQUITY AND EQUALITY.
For any of my friends stuck somewhere in the middle, know that neutral in a broken system gets you nowhere. Whether you’re a democrat, libertarian or republican, and whether you’re a Christian or an atheist doesn’t matter. You don’t have to be loud, you can be soft, as I’ve chosen to be, and you can still take a stand against racism. You can still be FOR Black lives.
That’s the only way this system gets fixed.
And hey…the more we bicker at each other about politics and how much we hate each other, the less action takes place.
Stop fighting, and let’s do the hard work.
LET’S GO!
I’ll end with this…Thank you Hadley for teaching me such a powerful lesson.
***Blake and I have both read “White Fragility: Why it’s so hard for white people to talk about racism” and I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend it for anyone struggling with this topic. It’s been eye opening for us.
Additionally, I’m often asked how I teach the girls about racism and inclusion in our daily lives, and how we ensure they are exposed to all races at their young ages. Here’s what we do:
We ensure the girls have toys and dolls of all races.
We ensure their books display kids of all races. NOT just during Black history month. Not just on Juneteenth. BUT ALL YEAR.
We ensure the girls (and ourselves) surround ourselves with friends of different races.
We do NOT teach them to be color blind. Rather, we tell them to recognize our differences and how uniquely God created us, yet he loves us the same. “Jesus loves the little children” is a phenomenal tool for younger kids!
